Here I am in Maxim.
You may know Jimmy Failla from his awesome standup on AXS Television. You may know him from his recent brouhaha with the producers of America’s Got Talent. You may know him from his talks at one of Gotham Comedy Club’s legendary standup comedy seminars (you can see him there for free this weekend!). Or you may know him from that time you laughed hysterically through your entire cab ride to LaGuardia. However you know him, you’ll know he’s brutally honest and funny as hell. We got the cabbie-turned-comic to give us his guide to being a better passenger. And if you’ve never done something you’re not proud of in a cab? Well, you’re clearly a better person than us.
1. “Always carry hand sanitizer. In an average week of cab driving, my back seat will witness five people puking, four people fucking, and ZERO people vacuuming.”
2. “If you’re not happy with the route I take, feel free to question my judgment. Unless of course, you’re wearing a Mets hat, in which case, you shouldn’t be questioning anyone’s judgment but your own.”
3. “If you forget your cell phone in the cab, be prepared to offer a cash reward for its safe return. If you don’t offer a reward, be prepared to have your dick pictures forwarded to all of your contacts.”
4. “If you need a hooker, a hand grenade, or a donkey show, at any hour of the day, any day of the week, stop Googling and ask me. Not only can I find you anything in this town, but I’ll probably have a Groupon for the Donkey Show.”
5. “Please, no matter what you do, don’t ever get in the cab and refer to me as the ‘last white cab driver.’ It pisses off the other two white guys.”
6. “Contrary to popular belief, I don’t make extra money by taking you the ‘long way.’ So don’t bitch at me for stopping at yellow lights. I’m only trying to save you. Not that you’re worth it.”
7. “If you insist on having sex in the cab, please do it with a second person. The masturbation thing gets really awkward if we hit traffic.”
8. “Religious talk is fine as long as you believe in tipping. After all, what’s a sermon without a collection plate?”
9. “There is no possible way to speed up the meter, so stop accusing me of doing so. Trust me, if I had any business sense, I wouldn’t be driving a taxi.”
10. “No need to put on your seatbelt. The way we’re about to drive, it can’t help you anyway.”
Jimmy Failla’s book, Follow That Car! A Cabbie’s Guide To Conquering Fears, Achieving Dreams, And Finding A Public Restroom is out later this year.